


Control

by Euleogy



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder, Hurt, Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 23:20:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4456391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Euleogy/pseuds/Euleogy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dark thoughts from a circle mage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Control

_A mage must have control._

 

_A Mage. Must. Have. Control._

 

_Control your thoughts._

 

_Control your impulses._

 

_Do not give into temptation._

 

_Ground yourself._

 

_Eat. Don't eat._

 

_Hurt. Don't hurt._

 

_Cry. Don't cry._

 

_Control yourself._

 

_Master yourself._

 

It's a mantra I repeat to myself constantly. Trying to focus on the chant, but instead I remind myself that the pain in my gut, the pain along my arms, the pain in my very soul, it means I'm real. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm in control over somethings at least.

 

Say I'm not hungry. Pray my stomach doesn't give me away. Hide my shaking 'Oh this book's just a bit heavy'. No, I haven't been crying. What's there to cry about?

 

Even when there's nothing, there's the pit, in my chest. In my soul. Is this the Maker, proving that my magic is awful? Is this my soul, tainted? Do we all have this hurt? Am I just weaker?

 

No. Not hurting. Pretend to be fine. You can't show weakness. Never show weakness. They might make me tranquil. Would it be bad? Yes. So bad. They have no control at all. They're empty, mindless. They didn't have enough control, so their control was removed. I can't do that. I have to have control.

 

I feel like I'm floating. Empty. My stomach stopped hurting hours ago. Now I'm dizzy. Can't feel weak. Bring myself back. Ground myself. I can't be caught. Maleficar. No. Not blood magic. Just blood. The pain keeps me here. Keeps me from floating.

 

They wouldn't care. Mages lie. Maleficars lie. Am I a maleficar? Is this what it really is? Have they been lying? Killing the weak mages?

 

I am weak. The scars prove I'm weak. I am in control. Weakly, but still here. The shaking just gets worse. I should eat. I can't eat. I can't give into my body. To my impulses. My being is a sin. I must fight my natural impulses. I hope the Maker is proud of me, when I meet him. I almost hope I meet him soon. Would Andraste hold me? Would she turn away? Don't touch the mage. The tainted mage. I am tainted.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I could say this was for someone other than myself, but as a writer, this is my art form. This is how I express myself. This is some of my own thoughts, put into a circle-mage setting. -shrug-


End file.
